Pre-Marital Cold Feet

How to Deal with Emotional Doubt and Insecurity

Whether the wedding is a month away or a year down the road, it is not unlikely that you or your fiancé get a case of "cold feet". Pre-wedding jitters are perfectly normal and happen to the best of couples. So just because you might be going through tough times, don't cancel the wedding just yet! Relax and take a deep breath. Light some aromatherapy candles , make a cup of tea , and forget about the wedding planning  for the moment.

What Does Getting Cold Feet Mean?

Cold feet is usually caused by stress, anxiety, and insecurity. And, there's no doubt that wedding planning contributes to the increasing stress on your relationship.
Feeling nervous about the wedding itself is not really a cause for concern even if you can't stop worrying about how the whole thing will turn out -- the flowers , the gown , the invitations , the gifts ! It is usually just a sign that you might need some extra help planning. Ask a friend or family member to give you a hand, or consider hiring a planner  or consultant . If you still feel stressed, you might need to reconsider your wedding goals. Maybe a formal 200-person wedding all in white is harder than you thought. That's fine, but this is not cold feet. See the guide on How to Deal with Stress Effectively and take at least one day off a week to go out with your partner to have fun and NOT talk about the wedding.

If you feel like your fiancé is not the "right" one or that you are "incompatible", don't worry. Remember that differences are normal in relationships and the fact is that you have to find a way to deal with them in a positive way and learn to compromise. Couples usually have five to ten big differences among their many similarities, but this is not a cause for concern, only a place to start for becoming closer, better understanding each other, and working through the tough spots. Try taking one of these quizzes with your partner to determine where it is that you are not seeing on the same page. It could help you become much closer in the process of smoothing out any glitches: Relate Institute and How Well Do You Know Your Fiancé.

If you suddenly find that something in your relationship is just "off" or that you have a constant feeling of fear about the wedding that lasts several months you need to figure out what is at the root of the problem. This is the kind of cold feet that can cause problems and it could be a sign that there is an unresolved issue to be dealt with.

• There has been physical or emotional abuse in the relationship to date.
• Someone has cheated, or one of you is repeatedly deceitful in way that has been wreaking havoc on the relationship.
• You realize that you don't agree about having children.
• Either the majority of your friends and/or family dislike your soon-to-be spouse.
• Your fiancé has displayed differences in sexual orientation or has developed a substance abuse problem.

If any of the above instances sound familiar to you, you might need to reconsider your marriage or seek counseling -- preferably together.